I’m fat and its funny

Every now and then I’m reminded that I’m fat. At first it is a very hurtful thing you hear about yourself, but later it becomes funny if you look at it from a fresh perspective, i.e. basically after you’ve lost all your self-esteem (soodu, soranai, vekkam, maanam etc.). This is common to both the genders, we are equally rolled around (no pun intended) as a toy in the society. But mind you, we are neither too fat that we get serious health problems nor the proper size who seem to have a fun life(damn you proper sizes!). I tell you, we’re not obese or unhealthily fat. Our BMI only a tad bit away from the line, which could always be fixed by some exercise(pfff). We’re not that chuchubuchiki fat where people pinch your bubbly cheeks and it wobbles cutely, No. We’re a cross between the thins and the thicks. We’re the sum product of a being a Beta Taster aka Foodies and a lazyass. We’re the people whom the thin community finds fat and the fatter community finds thin.

We’re the Middle class of Fat. *epic bgm plays with the sun setting behind the fat squad*

Let me tell you why we can’t be classified as normal sizes. First thing, we’re fit okay, not like the athlete fit, but we can get onto a running bus on our own. But in a running race where you have the chance to win 50,000 we’d definitely win it, provided that the prize is for the one who comes 5th. That’s how we Roll Yo. This is one of the reasons why we’re never chosen as a runner in a sport like cricket. But I tell you this, we might not be upper class batsmen, but we’re the Middleclass Fatsmen. We’re cursed like this okay, ‘we can run when a dog chases us because we’re not round enough to give up and athletic enough to not lose a pound of fat from our Ramba thighs.’

We face a lot of problems, and some of these are tailored for us. Unlike the problems our dresses aren’t tailored for us. We have this nether region in our body called the Thoppai or the flop belly (I’m refraining myself from using the term Beer belly since it might not apply for all.) This thoppai is a wonderful thing designed to embarrass us in Garment shops and textile showrooms. There was this one incident where there was this wonderful shirt and I wanted to buy it, but sadly it was ‘slim fit’ and obviously, it did not fit me. You leatherduckers, what about us people-u?! What about the people who have extra muscles in their equator? We and all summa va?! Returning to the point, I was trying on this shirt which narrowed down in my Madhya Pradesh where I was almost 3 months (oh shuddup you idiots). I tried my best to fit into this shirt where the shoulders, arm-length and cuffs were pakka perfect. After putting on the shirt somehow I heard a ‘klannggg’ sound. The button had launched itself from my middle earth and hit the metal door so hard that it made that ‘Klang’ sound. Then what? I nice ah came out of the building. I will miss you, shirt. Don’t even get me started about tucking in shirts.

There are those times with the other gender where you have to hold your stomach inside so that they don’t see your pot belly. You have to be so conscious that you don’t look like Ganesha’s Dupe, because you do not want to end up single like him. Though we often get called names by our friends there would be these relatives and random people who automatically assume that you are the elder one in the Family, sometimes you get Chithapa and Peripa roles too, Rejoice! Your shape is so funny that it resembles a vertical Poori Kattai (dough rolling pin). Little feet, small head and a potato in between. When eating out with friends you have to simultaneously eat and also dodge the comments and bad jokes (seriously mokka people) which say that you might become fatter in future, and you have to position the camera like Periya P.C.Sreeram to get a good picture. Shabba. At the end of the day you’re left feeling funny and healthy.

On a serious note, overweight is a looming problem that is affecting so many people. please try to help your overweight friends as much as you can, emotionally and physically. Try not to tease them as much. I know many who try their best to reduce their weight earnestly and get healthy. My hearty appreciations to those people and may you be in your best health.

Disclaimer: I’m sorry If I’ve hurt someone. Just a blob being a blogger. Thanks.

I’m gonna tell you why being imaginative is a not the greatest thing.

Yesterday night around 11.30 I was rolling uneasily on my bed. With the mosquitoes doing a Buzz session near my ears and donating my blood to themselves, it wasn’t very easy for me to sleep. Out of sheer boredom I get up to get a midnight snack from our fridge. But then something catches my eye, I see a white shade of light moving over the wall outside my room door, I feel a tinge creep through my skin, its fear. I shudder and try not to breathe loudly, but the dancing light was making it very difficult. I silently drop down on my bed.

Now, I was sitting up right on my pillow now trying to comprehend the white light over the wall. Fueled by the scary ghost stories and the horror movies I’ve seen all my life, I turned multiple time behind to see if there was any bony hand coming out of the darkness to get me or pairs of red eyes peering over me through the shadow. Thankfully there was none. But I was still spooked out by the weird light outside my room, “what was it?”. Gathering courage, I get up and take my first step and my heart stops. I realize I have stepped over something squishy and flat. I was so scared that I heard my own heart beat. *dum dip dum dip dum dip*

Too afraid to move I, keep my foot on the thing, running a thousand guesses on what it might be and how to tackle it if it attacks me. And then a a brute force pushes me out of balance. To afraid turn back, my eyes fall on the light, the light that made me question my existence, the light that denied me of my midnight snack, the light that made me forget that I needed to pee. The light that was reflecting from the new shiny chandelier/wind chime like thing my mom made out of her new hobby. I breathe a sigh of relief and switch off the light creeped me out through the chandelier.

I went back to sleep realizing two things.
1. Imagination is deadly.
2. Do not step on your brother’s hand, He will push you, even if it’s at midnight.

“Dei, Saniyaney kannu theriyatha unaku”
#SorryBro

How (not) to be Sharmaji’s Son


Pre-disclaimer– This is my attempt at portraying the difficulties of being a male child in a typical Indian family in a comic tone. There is some cringe worthy stuff inside this blog which you might not want to read, then kindly like the blog and shoo away. If I’ve hurt or if there is a lapse in logic or if I’ve made mistakes, I’d try my best to correct them when pointed out earnestly.

Unless you’re a boy child you wouldn’t know how difficult it is to be one. Ever since you’re born, shit ton of things are expected from you. Right from the moment your head stands on its own and you say, ‘chuchu’, there are a lot things people want you to be and it is not a simple feat achieving them. I have tried my best to compile a comprehensive and humorous blog on how (not) to be an ideal Male child or Be Sharmaji’s son. Also let me tell you the two reasons why I’m writing only about men and not women,

  1. I’m a Male human.
  2. Sadly, I’m a son too.

The difficulty of being a son starts early, you’re expected to be cute, intelligent and still hold the baby charm at the same time. You should know how to spell long words, know rhymes, thirukural, tell poems, write novels, solve calculus, become scientist and go to mars. Dei how da? When I was little I didn’t even know how to wear jetti(underwear) properly, how would I know how to pronounce lorry? The best I could do was Rolly, Sorry Mum and Dad. First patient eh baedhi baby.

Udaney comes the pre-school and primary. By now we should’ve been excelling at sports, studies and arts, but the tables turn when we grow up though. I’ve heard from modern parents that they’re upset that their child is unable unlock the phone by itself. Aiyo paavam

Then Comes one of the most difficult stages of being a boy – The puberty (don’t imagine flashing lights and big banners, that’s strictly for girls). For girls it’s a function for us boys it’s a hard time getting up (boys will know). Dei they celebrate you growing into pretty people and give you all kinds of jewellery, but what we get called, ‘kada maadu’(grown cow) of increasing frequency. Yes, we understand your difficulty in puberty girls, with the period and cramps and all, but there is certain stuff where men find it difficult to cope with too. One of the major frustrations is body hair, it grows everywhere, like all over da. You do not know how many times it gets caught in your clothes and punishes you every time by stripping away chunks of hair. And there are times where hair doesn’t grow where it has to, Poor bald men. May lightning slip on your heads and you never be called vazhukupaarai.

Don’t even get me started about clothes, nothing fits. In a span of 3 years you grow more than 3 sizes, I can see the eye roll from the other gender. Hey you have so many types and styles of clothes to try out! All we have is four clothes- two inners and two outers. Pants which used to be loose barely fits your arm, Zips? They’re a nightmare. Threatening to reduce your shot at making family every time you use that Zip. Maatna Margaya. Our shoulders become broad that neither L or X dresses fit. XL makes us look like a blown out balloon. But there are a few who seem to stay little even after the growth spurt, aama growth-u spurt-u.

Grow up a little more and you’re forced to become an engineer, and I can assure you that men are forced into Engineering more. Engineering goes away in a confused state whether to love or not. Don’t worry mostly Single than. You somehow manage to get a date and go to some restaurant, Anga pona etho Chivalry aam, Men must pay. Pocket money, Saavu Mani.

While you’re here trying to comprehend the stuff that’s going around you there will be a particular boy who will get more marks than you and do more internships than you, that idiot is your best friend from school. Aapu begins there. If academics is in this state, your ego takes a hit when you see a guy younger than you with more certificates. Ippovey kannakattuthey

Appadiye shifting to home, your chance of getting new things and clothes reduces if you have an elder brother or elder male cousins. You are the one that get all the second hands. After evading everything in home and college you come out. There stands a group just to brand you, the society. And I share this with our opposite gender humans, we both get judged.

Poriki if you have beard, pazham if you shave, rowdy if your haircut is snazzy, loosu if your dressing sense is different. Talking about haircuts one single mess-up can make you move to a different state and change your identity. I have seen guys skip school and college after having a bad haircut. We don’t have bad hair days, rather we have bad-hair-months-leading-to-identity-crisis situations. Beards are a lost cause, your friend has a sage beard and buys beard wax and mush oil while your chin has a single hair which you’re forced to be proud of. Ushabbba.

Seri, when you come home amma wants you to fix her grinder. You wonder why, Nee Engineer da mundam, says your brain. But how? Just because you do engineering doesn’t mean you can fix it, amma doesn’t know this. Avlothan. Appa comes over to questions you to boredom and gives career advice and life lessons, free of cost da!.

Then comes the working stage. Suddenly from being super broke you’re blessed with your own salary, wait wait, mom and dad make you responsible by handing you some bills, pfff yeah, ‘some’ bills. At the end of the month after trying your best to be a good son you’re left with spare cash which is enough only to buy two plates of paani poori.

Jumping over all this, you’re not even allowed to choose your favourite color, Men like blue da macha, No. I like purple, cyan and mauve. Maavu ah? Aama, Maavu than.

Added to this is a list where men are frowned upon if they don’t know to ride a bike. Once my relative gave had a culture shock reaction with vaai aaa open until his wife closed it. Dei I know cooking, you knowva?!, I make very good Pongal and vadakari.

All this also okanynga, the most difficult thing is managing people from your own gender, if you don’t smoke you’re a wuss, if you don’t drink you’re a loser. “if you don’t try all these then what’s the use in living life?” echoes a question from the past. Apparam, Who said all men are strong and courageous? Yov I have been in a very few fights all my life and what nambikkai you send me with mom at 10.30 pm ah? Dei road dogs da, they bow bow once and bite twice da, please no.

Sports, yet another head ache. After receiving multiple frown-downs, I found out that all you have to do is say,’oh aama la, what a great match’ to everything related to sports, believe me it works. Also men are not allowed to cry, Boys azhakoodathu man.

The worst one happens to be the judging based on physical presence, your accidental bumps can lead you to police stations, beware. After all this there is a statistics that say men have a shorter life span. I was not ready da moment.

With all this being said, being a man is as difficult as being any other Gender with all due respect, sometimes in lesser and sometimes in greater magnitude. Let men be men.

Post-Disclaimer – The events, characters and relatives depicted in this blog are fictitious (summa luluvaiku). Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events or firms is purely coincidental or unfortunate (looking at the bald and short men, sorry)”. Wait what? Doesn’t that negate the whole point of the blog? Either that or some of these things is a lie. This is merely a try from my side. Any kind of comment is welcome.

Hope

Hope, Hope is a funny thing, it keeps you waiting till eternity,

It gives you strength and gives probability a big certainty,

It builds you up from scratch, and makes you courageous,

Cause the upcoming storm is menacingly atrocious,

But hope raises expectations, the bitter half,

Hope, Hope is a funny thing, it keeps you waiting till eternity,

It chips away your strength day by day, when you see no prosperity,

It breaks down brick by brick, with an excruciating pace,

Hope is the last ray of hope that you will lose,

Hope, Hope is a funny thing, it keeps you waiting till eternity,

But Hope is a tool, one that is considered unusable by a fool,

It is the ember that lets you cook and burn too,

Like the slasher, hope also is double edged,

Here I sit waiting for you, you heard me I hope.

Hope, Hope is a funny thing, it keeps you waiting till eternity.

Them

Light deceives, giving hope and clarity to things that breed darkness,
Creeping into the thy chest, clawing its way leaving scar so bleeding,
Why?, why you might wonder… But answer is so obvious you’d
miss it,
The deeds you did don’t matter a bit, you’re a misfit, sadness – Go kiss it.
The circle is not what you think, not the satellite’s path, or love,
It represents the digit that is neither here nor there, pessimism not, optimism lost,
You’re wrong if you think the circle is around you, for you, it is the zero,
The number that has no value on its own, that is you, nonsense even in a row.
Years they say, aeons they say, does it mean what it means? They know,
The Gods above, They should know. Those heartless human imaginations, they know,
Maybe I didn’t do it right, or my coins weren’t enough to pacify the stone face,
Or was it because my eyes weren’t wet enough? humans and their creations are scary.
The feelings that were bonded, love that binded hands and shoulders, unwrapped,
Does time heal? I guess not… It picks apart people heart by heart, piece by piece, painfully efficient,
Try and kneel, may be they’d budge, you’re in luck if you’re visible,
Now do you understand?, bonds are brittle so that they can be chipped and shattered.
You’d think you can make a ripple in lives, but what is a ripple to a wave?
Insignificant, unseen, but always in a crowd. Let’s call that irony, ‘life’,
The greatest of grief, the bitter reality, the happening that shouldn’t,
If you think love breaks are easy, pray that you’re prepared for what’s coming.

 

My Honest Opinion – Dhoni and India

MS Dhoni – The Untold Story

First thing, this is not a review, Go watch this movie in theaters.
Second thing, I don’t know anything about sports. I was never much into it, I barely know a few player names. Cricket happens to be the one where I know a few more players than any other sport.
As soon as I realized the hype for the movie, I lost any interest to see it. but I went forward just for the sake of the name Dhoni. The movie of almost 3+ hours was an entertaining one, it has some fantastic fan moments. Goosebumps guaranteed .
But what makes this average scripted movie so special? The actor’s finesse? The cast? The match sequences? The female leads? NO.
It is this dream embedded into this movie in the form of a man named Dhoni.
This movie tells us the story of this hard-hitting, Helicopter-shotting, humble-hearted Captain cool. It shows us how a man from a Ranchi has come to lead India to lift he World Cup. Even if you’re not a fan, you’re going to shout(unlike me, because I had popcorn in my mouth.) Certain scenes raise your hair and makes you clap till you palms turn red. The love portion make you feel warm and makes you happy that Dhoni is blessed. The patriotism that courses through the movie makes the movie lively and get us through the 3 hours with out feeling dragged. All in all, it is a great movie. But there is more than this to the movie. This movie is about the whole of India, the mind set of India.
I personally feel that People like all great personalities because they have achieved what normal people haven’t. You might wonder, isn’t this the base of all our movies? A hero achieving super human feats and finding true love. Well, yes that is true. But this movie is about a real and living person, Mahendra Singh Dhoni, who has managed to pursue his dreams. He came in from middle-class family like the most of us, he goes to a normal, mundane job like the most of us, later he goes on to achieve his dream unlike us. This ‘Unlike us’ part is where start to like MSD.
You might ask me what is the point I’m leading up to. It is simply this, we look up to the people who’ve won the odds that were were not able to cross. They are the success stories of our own failed dreams. That is why we’re so interested in these great personalities. We yearn so much to become that person but can only dream to do so. Hence we take up every opportunity to witness them, be happy for them and rejoice to see them make our country proud.
Again, Why are so many people attracted to cricket?. It just happens to be that sport was the one bestowed to us by or previous rulers, The British.
I fell that Mahi’s tale has some fundamental points we have to take into account in all of our lives
1) Be humble, humility will let you see further than anyone else during the good times.
2) Be calm. Peace of mind will let you see further than anyone else during the bad times.
3) Respect people. Respect doesn’t come with age, it comes with wisdom.
4) Love will happen.
5) You need to listen to your heart.
6) Failures open doors to opportunities.
7) Duck at bouncers
Fan or not. This movie is to be seen, at least for the message it carries in between its lines.
#Inspiration